Hoping for a Hoopless Life


This past May, it suddenly dawned on me how… with ever increasing frequency and annoyance… I’ve been jumping through too damned many big biz, billing department “hoops”… my “gymnastics routine” starting even prior to sliding the opener under each snail mailed letter’s flap.

It’s the ever-present need to avoid the following problems and issues, which present the hoops.

Hoop #1

May I have the envelope please? Envelopes festooned with advertisements and barcodes can easily be mistaken for junk mail… worthy of tossing… unopened… into the nearest recycling bin. Ironically, even the reminder: “IMPORTANT: Your monthly statement is enclosed!” could get lost amidst such clutter. As for the barcoding, itself, what gives? Might these, essentially, be an open invitation to identity theft? Were a scammer to aim a scanner, might he score some sensitive customer data?

Hoop #2

Addressing more envelope issues: Due to dinky envelopes, scissors and openers can easily damage the enclosed statement… maybe even the return stub and envelope.

Hoop #3

Save it for a sunny day: During cloudbursts, return envelopes get wet and self-seal… rendering them dysfunctional. True, nobody can control the weather, but, considering our plasticized everything existence, why can’t USPS mailbags be designed with protective flaps and made of waterproofed fabrics?

Hoop #4

Two bad timing issues: [1] While Friday and Saturday USPS deliveries can mercifully coincide with a customer’s payday enriched checking account, try discussing… toot sweet… billing issues / errors when nobody will be back in the office until Monday. {2] Once a billing cycle ends, why do computer speed billing departments need 10+ days to get their bills into our hands? Getting our checks in the mail in a timely manner is a challenge when payment due dates only allow about a week… even less during December when the holiday glut of cards and gifts slow deliveries further. At risk, is being wrongfully socked with late payment penalties / interest fees and lowering one’s credit rating.

SIDEBAR #1: What’s a bill payer to do? Camp out at the mailbox, rudely snatch the envelope from the letter carrier’s hand and write out the check on the literal fly to the PO? To even attempt racing the four minute mile?

FYI FUN FACTS: As of 06/08/19, the World Records for the One Mile Race are held by male Hicham El Guerrouj (3:43.13) and female Svetlana Masterkova (4:12.56)

Hoop #5

Mad Madison Avenue: When advertising crap gets printed out on billing pages topped off with an account number, this requires wasting time to haul out the ol’ shredder.

Hoop #6

You do the math / phony phone charges: One needs to sift through the accountants’ fuzzy math, levied arcane fees / taxes and fine tooth comb the barristers’ fine print… as well as ensure there are no “accidentally” tacked on, never placed by you long distance phone calls.

SIDEBAR #2: Would it surprise anyone to even be charged for long distance calls to Mars… even though… to the best of our knowledge… it’s “ONLY US” in universe? Or is it?

Hoop #7

The numbers racket / writer’s cramp: Who cooks up those 16-digit customer / account numbers (oft loaded with a slew of place holding zeroes and ones)? Were a billing department to simply start account numbers at “1” and then go 2… 3… 4… etc., to get out to 16 digits, they’d need to have 1 Quadrillion customers… on a planet with “only” 7.7 Billion peeps!

The bill payers’ legitimate gripe: A 16-digit number handwritten on the face of a check requires a font so small, it’s nearly humanly impossible make it legible. Same problem re companies with names almost longer than the average length, pay-to-the-order-of line.

Hoop #8

I don’t do windows: Aligning the return stub so the company address fully appears in the return envelope’s window can be damn near impossible. Possessing Japanese Origami skills would be helpful when a too large pay stub needs a precision bottom fold… one measured in scant millimeters / sixteenths of inches. At the other extreme is the too small stub where the address insists on slipping beneath the window “sill”. Seeing how each billing department admonishes: “Don’t use tape, paper clips, staples, rubber bands” WTF other viable solution is there? Re-hydrated boogers? Uh… so sorry if I grossed anyone out.

Hoop #9

Addressing two return envelope issues: [1] Why should bill payers need to force feed a stub and check into a too dinky envelope? Why is flap glue so cheap it doesn’t assure a reliable seal? One can only hope that “no tape edict” is non-applicable under such circumstances. [2] Thinness of the paper is an identity thief’s dream come true. Not only does it tear open easily but a mere flashlight can render it see-thru.

Hoop #10

Filing cabinet paper glut: Ever notice how pay stubs are uncluttered, compact and thin, while the retained for our records portion of our bills are the exact opposite? To blame is the overabundance of advertisements intermingling with the account data. Such huckstering of exorbitantly priced devices / services is an ill-conceived, ill-timed business stratagem. I mean, psychologically speaking, who the hell is ever in the mood to take on additional debt on bill paying days?

Going Hoopless?

Checking account electronic debits do seem to be an obvious solution… BUT… even that can be fraught with woes. To e.g. that… what about criminal enterprises and clerical errors? In either eventuality, there are the prospects of tanked out bank balances, “rubberized” E-checks… and lest we forget… each bank shoveling on its own odious penalties.

Hoping for a Hoopless Life

Perhaps it’s time to pull up stakes? Head for the nearest wilderness refuge? Make a non utility metered cave this man’s castle? Under those circumstances, successfully placing a call would depend on only two things, [1] the sufficient decibel level of the sender and [2] being within earshot of the intended recipient… as humorously portrayed by the 97-year-young comedic genius / actor, Ms. Betty White, in the vid below…

The appropriate scene is cued to automatically PB at 11:55. Should that fail, merely FF to that point. BTW.. for those ISO plenty of LOL humor, rewind back to 0:00 and view this clip in its entirety… YES… it’s just that good!]