Mitch’s Witch Hunt? Pelosi’s PlayHouse?

 

Folks who party with Democrats, would LOVE to roll out a badass derrick that’d kerplunk Donald Trump’s Fat Fascist Fanny into a U.S. Senate witness chair… i.e., to hear how he’d “sing” at his Impeachment Trial.

Folks who party with Republicans, would LOVE to haul in Joe Biden’s ass to hear how he’d “sing”, too.

FINE! I say, “Let’s Party Like It’s 2099!” But / Butt testimonials, such as these, must have ironclad, no BS rules…

• This shall be presented as a LIVE, televised / streamed (gavel to gavel) public hearing. Perhaps call it Mitch’s Witch Hunt? Or Pelosi’s PlayHouse? Hey, if the network suits can one-up either of my “working titles”, more power to ’em, right?

• Declare a one-time, National Holiday to ensure the hugest American audience possible. To further encourage viewership, each consenting 18+ viewer, shall wind up entered into a lottery… i.e., where the one drawn at random, top prize winner shall pocket ONE MILLION DOLLARS… A LUMP SUM PAYOUT… TAX FREE (federal / state / local)!

• Both men shall submit to a mandatory, pretrial, rigorous physical exam and psychological evaluation.

• Neither man shall be permitted to lawyer up during questioning and must answer while hooked up to a polygraph machine. Too damned Orwellian you say? Hell, this could’ve gone down as far, Far, FAR more Draconian! They should consider themselves damned lucky that war criminal W. Bush’s waterboarding “techniques” won’t be “in play”.

• An in-house, bipartisan team of Fact Checkers shall rate the respondents’ veracity, utilizing either the Pants On Fire or Pinocchio Scales (their rulings to appear, in-real-time, as a “crawl” across the bottom of our screens).

• Penalties for perjury, upon conviction, shall [1] automatically disqualify each guilty party from ever holding all future elective offices (all the way down to dog catcher), [2] require the immediate return of all raised campaign contributions and [3] if treason is involved, shall result in appropriate imprisonment.

• The actual inquiry will be akin to a multiple choice test… Trump’s and Biden’s six possible answers…

a. Yes
b. No
c. Won’t answer (arrogance)
d. Can’t answer (ignorance)
e. Can’t answer (national security issue)
f. I invoke 5th Amendment protections

• Whenever “e” responses arise, the respondent(s) must be re-deposed in a Closed Senate Session.

Election Year Fringe Benefit: Seeing how inordinate amounts of evasiveness, cluelessness and/or forgetfulness could prove damning for anyone auditioning for that Oval Office gig, the voters could view Mitch’s Witch Hunt or Pelosi’s PlayHouse as the ultimate means to ferret out one… perhaps even two unworthy candidates.

Hey… better to get this political bad blood out of our electoral system NOW, rather than to feel four (or four more) unbearably long year’s worth of buyers’ remorse LATER!